Mental health support network for PWWP

Mental health illness support network for People working with people

The whole picture, Retraining my thought process!

on June 11, 2012

I am done here, Awareness is sure out there, and my road to recovery is over. I have tried to help the ones that suffer in silence but i realise my recovery to some is to hard to except and why should i be judged upon other peoples failing and negativity. I achieved more than i set out to so i know i can aim higher. I feel as if i am wasting my time here trying to show support to people that do not even want it, I have done that all mt life and been held back by others actions. So i am going to stick with Mentoring for Transcend to the people who want something from life, that way i can enjoy my success in my recovery and not be judged upon. I deserve it i battled it and i am proud where i got and so i my family. I do not need to be put down no more and i will not, i have come this far and broadcasted at least 15 years of my life to only try and help those who suffer alone as i know what it is like to become isolated in your life first hand, I have also amused a lot of people with my spelling, but that was the plan to show others you are who you are! I can not heal others pain, I would if i could but only one their self can. I have tried to advice and stayed positive through out but now i am thinking of my self and my son and going to enjoy how far i come.

I would like to also say that my life has not always been gloom and doom it started at 14 when i discovered i had been sexual abused at 6 by the neighbour, but did not realise until i grew to understand it, that is when i started to hate my self and i developed a eating disorder which then escalated in to numbers of issues.

I feel the need to tell you about my childhood so you get the whole picture. I had a good childhood I was brought up in a wealthy family with a loving mum a money minded dad and one older brother. My dad would work 7 days a week at his citron garage and my mum was the best full time mother that anybody would want. We were taught right from wrong, respect loyalties and love and respect, we would go to school everyday and play skeem  on holidays, i had dance lessons and played like others. Christmas was magical and we would have everything we wanted and more, we were took abroad twice a year. So you see i was not dragged up I was brought up well.

The point of this is so people can see in my experience why i had a mental break down, I have worked it out and aCcepted it, I am hoping that the people who have analysed this blog will see that there is usually a root to the problem that was missed. I am hoping children will be targeted from my personal experience and not people sectioned and medicated because a Mental illness is not fully understood because the people who treat it will never understand it until they feel the same. I can only hope a lesson will be taught, i also fully understand everyone is different, I also understand that a majority of illnesses are drug induced, and I also understand some will never recover with out strong support or meaning in life. I am a proud that I am here able to ex plane it as 3 years ago I would not of been able to of explained it. I would like to state i am not knocking no professionalism in their good work, I am trying to help you fully understand to help others that are still suffering.

How i made a full recovery?

Changing my thinking process! Changing my thinking process did not just happen over night it took me at least ten years of battling, strength and most of all determination.

When your mind has full control of your actions, it is the most horrific experience you could ever imagine. Some people end up self-medicating to be able to stop thinking about the problem even if it is just a few hours, which usually leads on for many years in some cases forever.

I left school with no qualification, which would be known to professionalism today as a  illiterate disable person, but the truth of the matter was my thinking process had no space to absorb any kind of knowledge as it was controlled by thought of piecing together the sexual abuse i suffered, along with thought about food. Ordinary people thought i was thick, but i am far from it.

I fully understand what knowledge i do and do not hold today. My recovery did not just happen because of strong support, it happened because i retrained my thinking process.

How? I actually self-medicated (do not recommend) that way i was able to think differant and forget those thoughts that had full control of my mind. I then switched on by self-teaching by analyzing other peoples actions in every situation possible. Many years later i was able to read peoples emotions by body language even action and speech. In the mean time i would listen to everyone that spoke any where i went if i did not understand, i would ask “why”. I would read any kind of leaflet i came across, For many years from the age of 18 i have battled to correct my thought process. The real learning process started at 26 where i attempted to take real control by stopping the self-medication once and for all, as for 8 years i had tried when possible to retrain my mind by self-teaching,  I thought i could finally get on in normal  life. That meant i had to remove all negative things from my life, which can make you feel lonely as the only kind of friends i had self-medicated for their own reasons, differance was they were happy to stay the same as they were, which left me on my own. I admit i had a lot of set backs but a lot of day to day dealing with life as well. Today i know the set backs came from self-medicated but with out that i would never of been able to change my thinking process.

The real challenge was at 28 when i set out to prove i was not stupid. I began by using a computer as i was a victim of fraud through hacking and no one believed me, that was the perfect place to start. I studied a wide range of topics over the on-coming 8 months i mean a week with out sleeping a time,  just absorbing any kind of information possible. This is where the Mental illness turned in to paranoid psychosis. I understand why this happened today, reason being the self-medication imbalanced the chemicals in my brain making my mind more powerful than my thought process, which meant fiction i read turned to fact, producing a real kind of life episode to me in day to day life. The mind was over powered by the self-medication which left me so distressed i was put into hospital for 28 days but released in 13. I was automatic prescribed medication with out even being monitored. I had to take the medication to get out so i did on the 4th day. I was not happy taking the anti- psychotics as by the 3rd day of resting my thought process had luckily returned to me being able to understand and know which thoughts were fact and which were fiction.

The medication i was made to take made me suffer side effects of anxiety which did not ever have until taken the medication. I had  heart palpitations, agitated and could not concentrate. (this does not happen in everyone illness, some people need to take medication to balance them out,  REMEMBER.) so i stopped my medication 2 weeks later as it did not agree with me personally, I did not tell anyone until only 6 months ago. If i had left hospital and went back to self-medicating i would of most likely needed the medication, but i learnt my lesson once and for all.

Some people to this day automatically think i am thick as i never thought my literature was necessarily, I now understand  that is the reason people have assumed i know nothing. Literature is my next goal which is already in progress doing this write now.

In life i have always set my self goals, little and big ones but many of them which i can honestly say proudly i have achieved.

  •  Battled my eating disorder by self medicating and finally growing out of it by excepting i am a women;
  • Stop smoking 3 years Jan the 7 th;
  • Self taught in a lot of things and still learning when and what i can;
  •  Drug free;
  • Passed my theory 1 st time with 35/35 and driving test age 17 first time;
  • Become a ice cream driver (my high aim career as a child lol)
  • NVQ 1+2 Hair and beauty;
  • Took first place in a cat walk for modeling hair;

I realize i am quite unique to others, I know i have skills some will or will never have, I have no limits and for sure a job is never done because there is always something to learn from life no matter who you are. I am adaptability to many situations and can usually turn a negative situation in to a positive only if the situation is or wants to be. Only thing i go seen but unheard as i have no qualification to preach i just actually have the full battling experiences. That is how i made a full recovery.

Please understand this if you read it, not everyone is the same and able to do what i have achieved, It is far from easy but i am so happy to be here and understand my life. Please also remember self-medicating is not the answer to treat a eating disorder as in the long run there is other side effect, and not everyone can just stop there medication, you need to know your self.


3 responses to “The whole picture, Retraining my thought process!

  1. I think it is wonderful that you share your recovery experience with people so that others further down the path can see that it is possible to improve themselves… you are correct that it is not possible to help / fix other people, they have to want to improve themselves, their situation… Change is most often caused by either inspiration or desperation, but also frustration and it certainly helps to know we are not alone with regards to the challenges that we face. Keep up the good work!

  2. […] The whole picture, Retraining my thought process! ( […]

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